


don't think twice, it's all right

by darkmochecoffee



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, M/M, Post-Divorce, sekai are kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:27:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24420562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmochecoffee/pseuds/darkmochecoffee
Summary: Jongin wants his parents back together.
Relationships: Kim Junmyeon | Suho & Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Kim Junmyeon | Suho/Wu Yi Fan | Kris
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	don't think twice, it's all right

**Author's Note:**

> this is one of my old krisho fics, (i wrote this in 2015) and when i re read it the other day i wanted to kms so what i did, since we're all QUARANTINED, is to rewrite it. the plot stays the same, but some parts are completely different because eew for my sixteen year old toxic self. this shit was previously unforgivable, now, it's bearable sksksks.

> DON'T THINK TWICE, IT'S ALL RIGHT **one of one**

The swing Jongin’s perched upon skids to a stop as the soles of his sneakers dig unto the ground. He glares at his wounded knee behind the curl of his fringe and frowns. His classmates really had a fun time jeering at him when he fell flat on his face at the playground earlier. Jongin brings a finger to the tender skin and when it stings, he nearly cries. Tears gather but he doesn’t let them fall because he’s a big boy now and big boys don’t cry, big boys _never cry._ So he inhales and silently wishes for the pain to go away. As he looks up, he sees his new classmate. Jongin remembers that the boy’s name is Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo has big eyes and he wobbles when he walks, like the penguins Jongin sees on the television.

Kyungsoo’s _eomma_ forces Kyungsoo into a big jacket and pulls a beanie over his ears and forehead. Eventually, he catches Jongin who’s staring at him from across the playground so he brings a chubby palm up and gives Jongin a wave. Kyungsoo’s eyes are little half moons and Jongin thinks they’re really cute. He waves back and watches as Kyungsoo steps inside an awaiting van.

Jongin pouts as he watches the vehicle drive away. His _appa_ is late, again.

//

When a harried intern bumped into him and spilled half of her tepid Americano onto Junmyeon’s unsuspecting white button down, Junmyeon had an inkling it was going to be a _tough_ day.

He’s right, of course. His intuition’s spot on.

It was an entirely stressful week. He’s never regretted going into the Family Law road until he’d gotten half a concussion after his client’s ex-wife attempted to knock his client’s head with her left red bottom. Junmyeon, the poor lawyer, was in the way thus he’d indirectly received his first pair of Louboutin as the shoe flew through the air and smacked him right on the middle of his forehead.

He hates being a divorce lawyer sometimes.

Right now, Junmyeon is aptly going bonkers. He’d let paperwork suck him in, body and soul, and the clock’s existence was forgotten. It’s an hour past five pm when he finally notices that it’s Friday and he’s way too late to pick his son up from kindergarten.

Junmyeon uttered very colorful profanities, flew to his car, zoomed through a couple of red lights. When he finally arrived at Jongin’s daintily painted school, the teacher told him that Jongin was picked up by someone else.

He’s going to scream. Junmyeon is going to yell.

But of course, he’s not going to do that. Junmyeon has a reputation to uphold.

“What?” Junmyeon feels his eyebrows furrow. “Someone picked him up?”

The teacher looks way too young, like she’s a child herself. “Yes sir, Jongin happily ran to him. He was tall and had brown hair. Jongin knew him.”

Numerous macabre thoughts run through Junmyeon’s mind. He would never forgive himself if something happened to his son. He would never. He’d dig his own grave. 

He’s going to sue this fucking school but before he does that, he manages to thank the teacher and goes off to search for his son. It takes him two hours. Junmyeon calls every family friend, goes to every place he thinks a five year old child could go to if his neglectful father _failed_ on the most basic obligation of picking him up from school. Junmyeon bangs his head against the steering wheel when his search turns up fruitless. He considers going to the police when he remembers one place he hasn’t thought of going.

“Please be there, please, please, please.”

Junmyeon arrives at their home address after thirty minutes and relief washes over him as soon as he sees a familiar head of messy brown curls on the doorstep leading to their house. He unlatches the seatbelt and scrambles out of the car.

“Wu Jongin where have you been?!” Junmyeon screams as he sweeps the boy into his arms. He plants messy kisses over the boy’s face. He thinks he’s going to cry. He didn’t even notice his ex-husband’s name slipping into his speech. Jongin beams happily at Junmyeon. The boy’s obviously blissfully oblivious to the trauma he inflicted on his poor dad.

“Appa,” Jongin begins, “daddy bought me ice cream!” He finishes gleefully. Junmyeon frowns.

“Daddy?”

“ _Myeon.”_

Junmyeon whips his head back so fast it nearly hurt his neck.

“What are you –“

"Hi."

For a moment, Junmyeon just stands there and stares at his ex-husband. Yifan still looks horribly impeccable in his slightly creased navy blue button down. His hair is cropped and in black. It’s different from the ashy brown he had when they were together. Junmyeon allows himself a brief sense of longing for the other man, he wants to approach and cage the taller in his arms. But then he remembers the situation they’re in and those feelings shatter completely. He’s furious and irritated.

“What the f—heck?!” Junmyeon prides himself for holding back. Poor Jongin shouldn’t have to hear a curse word from his own father. Yifan looks apologetic.

“I’m sorry Junmyeon.” Yifan begins. He scratches his nape. He does that when he’s embarrassed. “I completely forgot to tell his teachers when I got him from school. I understand where you’re coming from and I’m truly sorry. I wanted to call you but I think you changed your number, it didn’t come through. Anyway, this won’t happen again, I promise.”

Junmyeon’s anger ebbs away. The brunt of this entire week sits heavily on his shoulders. “Why are you here, Yifan?” He doesn’t intend to sound so rude but his exhaustion makes his tone extra sarcastic. If Yifan is offended, he doesn’t let it show.

“My flight touched down earlier, I went to go see Jongin straight from the airport.” He gives Junmyeon a boyish smile, “I’m trying to run some errands for the company’s sister branch. I’ll be here for four months, I guess.”

“Oh.”

There’s silence. Junmyeon doesn’t know what to do or what to say to the person he used to love above all. In hindsight he really should know what to do about this, he’s a fucking divorce lawyer for chrissakes. It’s his playing field.

In the end, it’s Jongin who decides when he latches his small hand to the hem of Junmyeon’s shirt and gives Junmyeon this sad puppy stare. Junmyeon is weak for that, always have, always will.

"Appa can you ask daddy to stay?" 

Junmyeon sighs.

_“Let’s not do this again.”_

_Junmyeon wheezed as he trudged after his lanky boyfriend of five years. They have finals tomorrow and Yifan casually barged in his room and asked if he wanted to go on a walk. Junmyeon was sure he fried all his neurons trying to wrap his head around Financial Law so he agreed. He had no idea what sort of ‘walk’ Yifan meant._

_The night was cold and his legs were ready to fall off. Yifan laughed at him._

_“You have the stamina of an octogenarian with a bad case of gout.”_

_Junmyeon rolled his eyes, “Fuck you. My lungs are collapsing.”_

_“Later Myeon, for now look.”_

_The view was priceless. The city was still and the sky was a velvet canopy backlit with stars that shined like crystals._

_“Wow.” Junmyeon commented. He traced the constellations with his eyes. “Okay, I guess this was worth a lung after all.”_

_Yifan laughed, "Yeah, wow."_

_Outdoors was Yifan’s thing. He loved mountaineering, it was one of his passions that Junmyeon felt bad about because he was not as fond of the great outside as much as his boyfriend. Though he did support Yifan with his spontaneous midnight drives and the easier biking trails he’d sometimes commiserate Junmyeon to. “For the nature,” He would say._

_And Yifan rarely planned anything. That was also his thing. He lived in the moment._

_Junmyeon remembered his eyes, the hesitant smile, the way he took Junmyeon’s hand like his life depended on it. He probably didn’t plan it. Junmyeon didn’t care. He would have followed Yifan to the ends of the world if that was what he wanted._

_“Listen,” Yifan prompted. He scratched the back of his neck. Junmyeon laughed. “I didn’t expect this, and I didn’t plan this, it’s clichéd as fuck and I have no ring but…will you marry me?”_

_Junmyeon smiled. The happiness he felt can practically rupture his ribcage because it made his heart beat faster than what was necessary. He stared at Yifan, the fucking love of his life, for what seemed like hours. He gauged his reaction. Yifan’s expression dimmed and Junmyeon laughed loudly because he knew he would have said yes. He knew it long ago. Hell, the first time he fell in love with Yifan, he knew he was going to be the last._

_"Yeah that was cliché, didn’t know you had it in you Fan but yes, to save your skin, yes please do." Junmyeon's face lit up as Yifan dipped down to press their lips together._

His house is a mess, Junmyeon belatedly thinks as he drops his case file on the coffee table that serves as the eye of the current hurricane that is the living room. Jongin's toys are strewn everywhere and some of Junmyeon’s papers are still piled high on the same table.

Yifan smiles. Junmyeon’s chest is hollow and it aches. He doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know how to address a pain that he should not feel.

He hasn’t seen Yifan in five months and their last meeting was brief. It was Jongin’s fifth birthday and their son wanted to see his other parent. Junmyeon didn’t have the right to refuse. Prior to the birthday, Junmyeon and Yifan have not seen each other for three years after their speedy divorce proceedings. They settled quickly. Joint custody for Jongin, most properties, including their family home, were signed over to Junmyeon’s name. Yifan didn’t put up a fight.

"So, take a seat? I’ll order dinner.” Junmyeon offers as he pads into the kitchen. “Do you want some coffee?" Junmyeon asks and Yifan nods.

Junmyeon quickly whips up coffee, he puts a lot of sugar into the fresh brew because Yifan’s a heinous beast in that way. He takes the cups in the sitting room and his heart constricts at the sight of Jongin who’s technically pushing his jetlagged other parent into a coma induced by pure exhaustion. Yifan looks tired, there are bags under his eyes and his face had this unhealthy gauntness to it. Though, the happiness in his laughter is evident. Junmyeon doesn’t want to deny it: he missed seeing this, he longs for this sort of normalcy.

He can’t help but wonder, _where did we go wrong?_

“Coffee.”

Yifan gives him a muted thanks and smiles as soon as his lips touch the porcelain.

"You still remember." He says.

_I remember everything about you, you were the love of my life._

Junmyeon keeps the thought to himself.

The bell goes off and Jongin gleefully runs to the door, Junmyeon tails after his five year old. He pays for the food and leaves a huge tip for the delivery boy before he closes the door. He sets the food, a hodgepodge of unhealthy pizza and chicken, on the coffee table. He’s too tired to cook and Jongin’s happiness at the sight of fried food is priceless. Junmyeon makes a mental note not to serve fast food next time before he calls Yifan to dinner. The adults eat silently as they listen with rapt attention while their son talks about his day at school and how his classmate walks like a penguin. Junmyeon doesn’t catch the name but he nods and smiles indulgently.

His eyes stray to Yifan's slouched form across the dinner table and Junmyeon could not help but stare at his ex-husband’s face. The same face he swore to love until death forces them part, the face he swore to love from this life to the next. They were really children, then. It hurts to think about it sometimes.

Physicality, it is unfair that Yifan has not aged a bit despite the fact that they’ are both in their mid-thirties. Apparently, he is still the man who made Junmyeon’s heart race.

Too bad, Yifan made his choice and the choice wasn’t Junmyeon.

After dinner, Jongin whines and whines and throws another one of his puppy stares at his defenseless parent. Junmyeon relents, it is a Friday night after all, Jongin deserves some movie time. Junmyeon puts on a newly released animated film to Jongin’s pure glee. They park in front of the television set, Jongin sits between his exhausted parents. By the middle of the film the child’s head lolls to the side. Junmyeon reaches for Jongin but Yifan stops him. Their hands meet over Jongin’s sleeping form.

“Can I hold him?”

Junmyeon stares at his ex-husband for a bit. Then, he nods. He watches as Yifan gently pulls Jongin to his body, easing the child on his lap so that Jongin’s front rests on Yifan’s chest. He cards long fingers onto Jongin’s unruly cowlicks, like he has been doing it for years, like it is the most normal thing in this world.

The sight is painful to watch. The temporariness to it is painful.

Junmyeon wants to question Yifan. He wants to ask why Yifan does the things he do, why he was there, why he was doing things that lead Junmyeon to a path that he knows will not end well.

But Junmyeon does not need to ask because he knows that he has long been erased from the equation. Yifan’s presence is only for the sake of the child they both loved so much. It is a crushing finality to Junmyeon’s, admittedly, undying affections for a husband that no longer feels the same.

//

It’s eleven in the evening when Junmyeon leads Yifan out.

“Thanks and I’m truly sorry for earlier.” Yifan says after he puts on his shoes.

Junmyeon gives him a weak smile. “It’s fine. You’re still his dad anyway. You can always come visit him.”

Yifan grins and they do nothing but stand there. The entire house is deathly still. In a rare moment of weakness, Junmyeon decides he needs a hug, from Yifan preferably, because he is so tired and Yifan has always been his rest, a solitude in a life full of endless chaos.

_But that was years ago, Junmyeon. Stop living in the past._

“Uh,” Yifan once again scratches his nape, “Yeah sure. Can I have your phone number?”

Junmyeon fishes out his phone hands it to Yifan so he could put in his. Junmyeon saves the number as _Wu Yifan_ and presses call. Yifan’s phone rings. “Thanks, I’ll see you soon?”

“Sure.”

“Good night, Junmyeon.”

Junmyeon closes the door.

Sleep does not come for Junmyeon that night. He plays the events of the day in an endless loop as his mind produces an image of his failed marriage – like a ghost from the not so distant past that continues to haunt him. The next morning, Jongin wakes up to the very obvious lack of Yifan’s presence.

When he does not see his dad, he is clearly upset, though he does not cry. Small mercies.

"Appa, does daddy not love me? Why didn’t he stay?" Jongin asks as he somberly stares at his breakfast, the smiling maple syrup on top of his pancakes is a mockery to the situation. Junmyeon feels apologetic.

"No, daddy loves you. It’s just that he has other responsibilities to attend to. Don’t worry Nini, we both love you."

“How about you appa,” Jongin says, his voice is an insecure whisper, “Do you still love daddy?”

The question floors Junmyeon. He blinks and when he speaks, he stutters. Junmyeon does not stutter.

“I, uh, I guess I still do.” Junmyeon finally replies, “I still love your dad.”

“But why are you not together?”

_Because your dad does not love me anymore._

“Because our situation is difficult.”

Jongin just nods.

Later, Junmyeon goes in the bathroom, switches the tap on so that the sounds of running water drown out his sobs. He feels pathetic.

Junmyeon hovers his thumb on Yifan's contact number that night. He wants to call his ex-husband and demand that he talks to their son. Junmyeon knows that he has ulterior motives as well. Hoping to see Yifan was surely one of them.

Ten minutes later, he shuts the screen and stashes the phone away.

//

“We have Family Day at school.” Jongin announces at the dinner table a few nights later. Junmyeon’s hold around his utensils tighten. He knows what sort of question would come out next and he braces himself for it.

“And?” Junmyeon prompts.

Jongin gives him a cherubic smile. Junmyeon knows he will relent before Jongin could even ask what he wants.

“Can you ask daddy to come?” Jongin says, “Please appa, _please?”_

Junmyeon exhales, “I will Nini. I promise. Finish your dinner.”

“Yay!”

After dinner, he puts Jongin to bed. The child makes him promise to call Yifan again. Junmyeon sighs. Later, he hesitantly rings his ex-husband. The call connects immediately.

“Uh, hey.”

_“Hey Junmyeon. How are you?”_

Junmyeon starts pacing, “I’m fine. Actually, I’ve got a favor to ask, it’s for Jongin.”

_“What is it?”_

“Jongin has a family event at school and he wants you to come. It’s in four days.”

Yifan is silent at the end of the line.

_“I’m sorry Junmyeon but I can’t. I’ve got a meeting that day.”_

Junmyeon is lying to himself if he says he did not see that coming.

“Don’t worry about it. We’re going to be fine. I’ll tell Jongin. Have a good night, Yifan.”

Junmyeon hangs up. What do you say, a meeting. As always. He does not even know why he called in the first place.

He goes to the kitchen and warms a glass of milk and piles a small batch of cookies on a plate. He moves to Jongin’s bedroom and sees a lump buried under a heavy navy blue comforter. Junmyeon manages a smile. This is going to be a tough conversation.

“Ni?” Junmyeon peels the comforter and sees his son curled underneath. Jongin smiles at him, excitement in his eyes. He offers Jongin the plate of cookies.

“Did you talk to daddy, appa?”

Junmyeon sighs, “Yeah. Ni, about that.”

“Did he say yes?”

“Daddy can’t visit Jongin. But I’m sure he would have if he had time.”

Jongin’s disappointment radiates off him in waves, it’s nearly palpable. Junmyeon thinks the child will cry, but Jongin does not. He just nods.

“Don’t worry Nini. I will attend the family day with you and we'll have lots of fun."

“I understand appa, thank you.” 

//

It is one of those days, nice and warm and meant just for a big school event.

But Junmyeon is not having any of it. He runs on two hours of sleep after slaving the entire night to finish work so he could give way for the event. He regrets it entirely. His head is in so much _fucking_ pain. He reminds himself that he is not a college student anymore and his weary body is not meant for burning the midnight oil.

Jongin. Junmyeon wakes himself up, for Jongin. Anything for Jongin.

And as if Junmyeon has mentally summoned him, an overly enthused five year old enters the room with barely concealed glee. “Good morning appa!” Jongin is ecstatic, he must have seemingly forgotten that Yifan could not come to his event. Though Junmyeon does not really understand where all this energy is coming from. It is six in the morning, _Jesus._

“Morning Ni.” Junmyeon groans and forces himself out of bed. “Want breakfast?”

After a grueling morning routine, which, among others things, consisted of Junmyeon battling his migraine with OTC painkillers and downing a cup of bitter coffee, they finally arrive at Jongin’s school fifteen minutes after nine am. The Family Day is in full swing, with colorful streamers everywhere and food laden tables occupying a portion of the school’s lawn.

Junmyeon smiles wanly and finds himself a seat among chattering mothers. His headache is nearly unbearable. He watches as Jongin runs across the school’s playground to greet a shorter boy decked in a cheerful red polo shirt and some khakis. Jongin gives the other boy a hug before he drags him to Junmyeon.

“Appa!” Jongin grins as he slings an arm across the other’s boy’s shoulder. “This is Kyungsoo! He’s my best friend.”

Junmyeon conjures his best smile for the bespectacled kid. “Hello Kyungsoo, it’s very nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too Mr. Kim…” The boy looks around, scanning around for something and his expression of utter confusion brings an awkward smile to Junmyeon’s face. The kid is cute alright. “It’s just that Jongin told me that he has two daddies and I don’t see anyone.”

“Oh.”

Junmyeon, out of all questions, is not prepared for that one. He glances at Jongin, who starts fidgeting and then his eyes stray to Kyungsoo. The bespectacled boy ponders on with such open curiosity. Junmyeon does not have the heart to be reproachful.

“You see Kyungsoo, his—“ Junmyeon begins, crouching down to eye level. But before he could even finish his statement, a voice calls out.

“Junmyeon!”

The source of course is none other than his ex-husband who told him three nights ago that he was not going to make it. Yet there he is, in his impeccable three piece suit. Junmyeon is torn between laughter and tears.

“I thought you wouldn’t make it.” Junmyeon stands up and meets Yifan’s gaze. “I really thought you wouldn’t.”

“I can blow off a meeting every once in a while. I can’t miss this one. Priorities, I guess?“ Yifan says and turns to a gleeful Jongin. He lifts the happy child into his arms. “Sorry I’m late, son.”

An indescribable feeling of elation runs through Junmyeon at the sight.

_The first thought Junmyeon had that day was that, it was silent. The house was a mausoleum, the walls are bleak, and the beam of light that cut through the partially opened windows irritated Junmyeon._

_He turned and faced the visage of his sleeping husband. Yifan breathed evenly, his lips were slightly parted and his ashy brown hair stuck out in every direction. Junmyeon could surmise that it was perfect, everything was perfect, but there was something inherently missing._

_“I want a child.”_

_Junmyeon murmured as he traced Yifan’s face with his finger. Yifan was half-awake._

_Yifan slowly opened his eyes. “A child?”_

_Yifan slowly opened his eyes. “A child?”_

_“Yes.”_

_“Maybe we should have coffee first?”_

_The child was four months old. He was placed in a row with six other babies of the same age and he stood out with his caramel skin and the most entrancing chocolate eyes. Junmyeon thought he was perfect. Yifan readily seconded the opinion._

_From then on, the child was Wu Jongin._

The stares on his ex-husband are obvious. Junmyeon cannot decide if it is because of the fact that they were same sex parents, but no one really gives a fuck about same sex parents anymore, so it must be because of the fact that Yifan looks like the infallible male protagonist of a clichéd romance novel. Yes, that is probably it. Either way, Junmyeon doesn’t really care.

He laughs when Yifan trips, one of his long legs is tied to Jongin’s shorter one with an egregiously neon pink ribbon. The game’s mechanics, as far as Junmyeon can tell, is a three-legged race with dad and son pairs and Junmyeon’s pair is losing. Junmyeon finds the situation amusing. 

“Daddy!” Jongin starts to whine, futilely trying to pull up the older man with him. “Stand up! Stand up! We’re losing!”

Yifan laughs as he gathers himself. There’s grass on his hair. Earlier he removed his gray coat and now there is smudge of what seems like mud on his dark blue button down. He holds Jongin’s arm and in two long strides they pass the orange line, coming in last. They both look ridiculously happy and Junmyeon cheers nontheless, he catches Yifan’s smile and without a second thought he returns it, equally bright.

There’s a mild stirring in Junmyeon, an unstoppable warmth from his heart that travels through his veins. He is happy and he has Yifan to thank for that.

He wonders just how long it will last before Yifan breaks him all over again and he has to pick up the tiny broken pieces and glue them all together.

“Do you ever think about...us?”

The question comes out all of a sudden.

It is after the event and they sit on a bench farthest from the bustle of the cleanup crew currently fixing up the lawn. Yifan’s exhausted, though there seems to be a perpetual smile on his face.

And he is too close.

Too fucking close.

The sides of their thighs touch, neither moves away. 

“Sometimes.” He replies after a few moments, his tone is soft, almost breathless. He hopes Yifan does not notice. Junmyeon wants to say more, so much more. He wants to say that, during the initial two years after the divorce he still reached for Yifan’s side of the bed. He expected to feel his husband’s solid warmth only to be met with cold sheets. He wants to say that, for months, he drank his bar dry asking one question. He wants to say, that at times he thinks so much of _what if_ and _what could have been_ that his eyes stay open for days on end.

He wants to tell Yifan that sometimes he misses him so much it physically hurt.

But Junmyeon’s lips seal and he lets the conversation drop. The silence stretches out as the both of them watch Jongin run his sugar low on the nearby playground.

“Initially, I hadn’t thought about the divorce but then after that I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I just couldn’t stop. I was such a fucking asshole. I thought about everything I did wrong. Junmyeon, I fucked up so much, didn’t I?” 

_Why couldn’t you stop?_

“It was necessary. Life gave us problems and we handled it.” Junmyeon chuckles, “Oh, we handled it alright. We had to learn to let go before we killed each other in the process of salvaging what’s left of our marriage.”

Junmyeon feels a weight drop on his left shoulder. “Can we stay like this? My head hurts.” Yifan says and Junmyeon smiles as an old memory resurfaces. It is hazy in its quality and Junmyeon doesn’t remember it in its entirety but the words Yifan said still ring in his mind like it was yesterday. Junmyeon suddenly feels like they are in college again, tucked in an obscure part of their university’s library. It is ten in the evening and Junmyeon is agonizing over the constitution. Yifan is there, staring at him with an encouraging albeit tired smile. When Junmyeon closes his book, Yifan drops his head on his shoulder.

_“Junmyeon, I like you. Would you date me?”_

His head is killing him but Junmyeon smiles and said _. “I thought you’d never ask.”_

Junmyeon reels away from his thoughts when Jongin comes running to them, clearly enthusiastic. “Appa, daddy!”

Yifan removes his head from Junmyeon’s shoulder and he heaves a sweaty Jongin to his lap. Jongin grins brightly and he gazes at his dad then to his _appa_ and back again. Junmyeon is aware of what that smile entails. He is painfully aware of Jongin’s innocent, childish hope that everything is okay with his parents. Junmyeon wishes that the world works like that too. Junmyeon reminds himself that he is divorced and that he has simply ripped his heart out so that he could place it on the middle of a busy road and he would pointlessly wonder if it would get ran over.

“Daddy are you and appa...” Jongin stops and there is a look of curiosity on his young face, “ _undivorcing_?”

Junmyeon tenses as Jongin probes Yifan with eyes that glimmer in anticipation of a positive answer. Yifan looks at his five year old, contemplatively running his long dexterous fingers on Jongin’s sweaty hair. “I don’t know son.” He answers.

Yifan is completely unaware that his simply worded answer has sparked such a helpless desperation in Junmyeon. Junmyeon is not sure who he despises more, his ex-husband or himself. Yifan turns his smile towards him, it is ambiguous and Junmyeon decides that he hates himself and his ex-husband for entirely different reasons. He hates himself for hoping and he hates his ex-husband for stirring feelings that have long been buried but never really died.

//

It is a week later and life has lapsed into normalcy. Junmyeon wakes up feeling as though there is a huge gaping hole on his being that could not be filled with anything. He hates to admit that he misses Yifan.

Misses him terribly.

_Junmyeon?_

Junmyeon stares at his name on Yifan’s text message. He wonders if he should reply when Yifan follows his message, two minutes later with:

_Wanna have dinner with me? Tonight, if it’s possible._

Junmyeon invites him over to their house instead, with promises of fine wine and great cooking. Junmyeon does not hide the smile when Yifan replies almost instantly.

_Great, be there at 8._

//

“This is stupid.” Junmyeon says as he flips his wardrobe for something decent to wear.

Earlier, he drove Jongin to his friend’s house, same friend that wobbles when he walks. For a sleepover, Jongin said. Junmyeon is not sure what to think about such impeccable timing. Though he does like the idea that he could spend time with Yifan without Jongin prowling the premises like an eager puppy.

Junmyeon feels unhinged. He tells himself that he does not need to be so agitated over a casual dinner with his ex-husband. He has spent hundreds of dinners with Yifan, this is nothing new. Junmyeon considers banging his forehead against the huge mirror he has installed on his dresser.

In the end, he settles for a pair of washout distressed jeans with too much rips to be considered conservative. For a top, he decides on a black, cashmere, long sleeves with a v neck. He takes one look at his reflection and runs a hand through his hair. He does nothing more.

The doorbell rings six minutes after eight o’clock and Junmyeon stares at Yifan through the door monitor before opening it. Somehow he finds it odd that Yifan rang for a door he used to own. The thought passes quickly and Junmyeon does not hide the pleased smile at Yifan’s appearance. The taller dons a white button down tucked into a pair of black slacks. He looks handsome and not as exhausted.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They stare at each other for a while, both sport small grins on their lips. Junmyeon snaps out of it first and ushers the taller inside before he seals the door closed. The lock clicks automatically.

Junmyeon receives a bottle of wine and a box of pastries, Junmyeon’s favorite pastries, from Yifan and sets them on the dining table.

“Thanks.”

Yifan’s smile does not waver. “You’re welcome. I hope you still like them.”

Junmyeon smiles his assent.

“Where’s our son?” Yifan queries as he makes a subtle once-over through place. Junmyeon’s pulse speeds up at Yifan’s almost unconscious usage of _our._

_Our house._

_Our family._

_Our son._

“Jongin’s at a friend’s house, a sleepover.” Junmyeon answers as he walks into the kitchen “Anyway, dinner in a few. What can I get you in the meantime?”

Yifan does not answer and Junmyeon does not sense immediately sense his presence when he steps into the kitchen. When Junmyeon turns around he nearly collides with Yifan’s chest. They stare at each other, Yifan’s eyes bore into Junmyeon. There is something unexplainable in his ex-husband’s stare, something akin to, Junmyeon dares, _longing._

_Yifan is longing for what?_

“I miss you.”

Junmyeon is aware of Yifan’s arms as they anchor against the counter caging him in. He’s half bent against said kitchen counter with Yifan still staring at him. Junmyeon is positive that his heart will stop beating at the contact. _Too close, too close._

“Y-yifan what...”

Junmyeon’s words get cut off as Yifan gathers him into a tight embrace. Junmyeon relishes the contact.

“You look beautiful, blond suits you.”

Junmyeon could feel himself flush and his shade must resemble the red tiles on the kitchen counter.

Junmyeon hates himself for giving in. He could not deny that he is still irrevocably in love with Yifan. That love may have faded and dimmed in the years that they have been away from each other. But that love never disappeared. And Junmyeon wishes it disappeared, he wishes it died and did not come back to haunt him.

//

“When did you learn how to cook?” Yifan asks as he chews a considerable piece of lasagna. He looks like he thoroughly enjoys the dish but Junmyeon could hear the playful teasing in his tone

“I was forced to learn after we divorced. It’s something I had to learn, among other things.”

He drops the subject immediately.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened to that man you dated?”

Junmyeon laughs. “Oh, so we’re talking about our conquests now.”

Yifan shrugs, spooning more lasagna into his mouth. “Well it’s an interesting topic, unless you don’t wanna talk about.”

“It’s fine.” Junmyeon says, “So, Minho. Well he was someone I fancied I loved. I tried, he tried. It didn’t work. Then I thought dating won’t be my cup of tea for a very long time.”

“Someone you fancied you loved, huh?”

“I thought I did, but then I realized that I couldn’t see past the similarities.”

“How about you?”

“I couldn’t see past the similarities either. “

The dinner continues with mundane small talk. A _how are you_ is asked and both men answer concisely, without any traces of personal intimacy. They talk about a lot of things and nothing at all, and it is here that Junmyeon realizes that he is talking to a stranger, a familiar stranger that he once shared everything with.

When they finish dinner, Junmyeon brings out a wine bottle coupled with the one Yifan brought home. He sets the bottles and the glasses on the coffee table and Yifan looks at it without question.

Junmyeon grins, “Wanna get drunk?” 

_Junmyeon was a lawyer. Yifan started as a team captain in a huge advertising company. The difference in their careers was noticeably vast. But in the initial years after their marriage, the difference never mattered._

_Junmyeon believed that he loved Yifan more than what love could even entail. He also believed that it was an utterly foolish thing to think that the honeymoon years of his marriage would last, he thought it was going to be something straight out of a fantasy. It was all fucking bullshit. He was young once, and stupid and he did not see it coming. He did not see his marriage crumbling before his very eyes like an eroding sand castle._

_Junmyeon was aware of Yifan’s aspirations and he supported his husband while he balanced his family with his career and everything in between. Maybe Junmyeon was blinded by his own foolishness, he deluded himself that they could make their marriage work despite Yifan’s increasing...distance._

_It was not caused by anything of the sort that commonly ruined marriages. There were no third parties involved. But in hindsight, there was a third party involved, Yifan’s work._

_Let’s have dinner tonight._

_I’m sorry Jun, I need to stay in the office, I really need to finish this._

_Let’s go out today. This new client is stressing me out. Please?_

_I’m sorry Junmyeon, the chief needs me to oversee this new project today._

_Let’s get Jongin out today._

_I can’t, I need to finish a new design for a client._

_Junmyeon understood. His mother once told him that he was far too considerate for his own good. But Junmyeon has always been like that. He understood, he understood, he understood. But then Yifan started to spend more time in his office than their own home and when the rare times that he did come home, his stress from work channeled into Junmyeon and into their life. The slightest provocation made him snap and Junmyeon got so tired with the constant fights that seemed to have become a fixture of their home, coupled with Jongin’s agonized cries._

_But of course, Junmyeon understood. He understood that Yifan wanted to become COO and his dream was for their family, his heart was in the right place. Yifan was so close to that dream, just a few steps away. But in those few steps he saw the hindrances and those hindrances he saw in Junmyeon, he saw in everyone._

_Junmyeon understood, he really understood. Even though every time it would feel like he would cut a part of his heart and that it hurt, he understood._

_Until one day, he just gave up. Because that is what you do when there is nothing worth fixing._

_It was during their 3 rd anniversary. Junmyeon hated to be the person who remembered all the little dates and the inconsequential things. In college, Yifan annoyed him so much because he remembered it all. It was that thought that fueled Junmyeon to do something, one final ditch attempt to save his marriage. Everything had been arranged, he left Jongin to one of his closest friends, just for a few days he said. Plane tickets and hotel bookings were all arranged. _

_Junmyeon wanted to take Yifan to Brazil for their third wedding anniversary. It all went down the drain because Yifan forgot. Cliché. Junmyeon understood, but this time he also understood that Yifan just did not want to make it work anymore and Junmyeon was so fucking tired, he was so fucking exhausted of chasing after a man that did not want to be chased._

_So he stopped._

_“I want a divorce.”_

_It broke his heart how Yifan looked like he expected it and how easily he had granted it. There were no shouts that day. Maybe they were both tired of each other and their endless complications._

_They were calm as they signed papers without any word uttered. Most of their properties went to Junmyeon and they decided on joint custody for their son. Jongin had been so young when it happened._

_After the divorce, Junmyeon did not see Yifan in the next three years. Although Yifan visited Jongin every month, flying from China when he did. On his son’s fifth birthday, they met so fleetingly. No words had been said, that was five months ago._

“I got therapy.”

One of the wine bottles is empty and the second is halfway full. Junmyeon feels appropriately tipsy, drunk even. They have been laughing about pretty vague things that Junmyeon’s inebriated mind cannot easily recall. But somehow he is at ease with the alcohol running in his system. His tongue is loose and he is aware that whatever control he likes to think he has, will disappear in the current situation.

“For what?” Junmyeon replies. He stares at the swirling burgundy in his wine glass and takes another sip.

“Anger, work addiction, a lot of things.” Yifan says, “For all my fucking issues I guess.”

“I’m proud of you.” Junmyeon smiles, “I couldn’t make that happen when we were together.”

“It wasn’t your responsibility.”

“It was. I was your husband.”

“You were Myeon, but I fucked up. I really did fuck up. What I did to you was unacceptable considering that I promised to never hurt you. I’m incredibly sorry that I didn’t fix myself to save us. I’m sorry that I didn’t try harder.”

“It’s the past, Fan. We can’t do anything about it now. But I’m proud of you, I really am. I hope you heal and just continue to heal.”

“You’ve always been like that.”

Junmyeon looks at his husband, “That?”

Yifan volleys his gaze. Despite his drunkenness, Junmyeon could see the sincerity in Yifan’s eyes. “Selfless. I thought I didn’t deserve you. I was a mess, I still am, and you shouldn’t have to deal with me for the rest of your life. But then I realized it’s not my right to decide that for you.”

Junmyeon closes his eyes, “Yeah, it’s not your right. But I loved you, Yifan. I really did. I loved you so much.”

“You were the better part of me, Myeon. You really were.”

Junmyeon cannot help his own silent tears as he asks, “Where did we go wrong?”

He starts sobbing. He has held in so much pain for so long and it is cathartic to just fucking cry. It is finally removing the knife in his heart and letting it bleed.

Junmyeon allows himself to be pulled into Yifan. He sobs like a wounded child against his ex-husband’s chest.

“I didn’t hate you. I wasn’t mad. But I got so tired Yifan.”

“I know. None of it was your fault. You tried so hard to save what’s left of us and I didn’t do anything because I was insecure and I was angry that I couldn’t give you the life you deserve, god, I’m so sorry Junmyeon. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s my fault. I s-shouldn’t have asked you for a divorce. I-I should h-have fought fo—“

“Enough, Junmyeon. You can’t blame yourself for _my_ mistakes. You chose yourself and your peace of mind and I willingly gave them to you because it’s the least I could do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I still love you.”

Junmyeon removes himself from Yifan’s hold. He blinks at his ex-husband. Yifan gives him a tired, watery smile. “I still love you and I’m trying to be better. It’s all you need to know.”

And maybe he is truly drunk and he will regret this tomorrow but when he surges forward to kiss Yifan and Yifan kisses back and holds him like he used to, Junmyeon can lie to himself again.

//

When Junmyeon wakes up, the first thing he notices is the pain at the back of his skull. He bites back a groan and lifts his head. The whole place is dim. It’s five in the morning.

Junmyeon does not fail to recognize the incriminating position he finds himself in. He is half sprawled over his ex-husband in an awkward tangle of limbs. Mere seconds ago he must have been enjoying the warmth from Yifan’s neck. Junmyeon shifts and the action causes Yifan’s eyes to snap open. They stare at each other blearily. Yifan smiles at him, Junmyeon smiles back.

Yifan’s arms wrap around his pliant body and the hold is...intimate. Junmyeon thinks about the hold and the intimacy of it. It is one of the aspects of their relationship that he misses the most. He misses the quiet moments and the reassuring embraces that mean so much more than words could even begin to convey.

Junmyeon inhales, his breath fanning out against the skin of Yifan’s neck. _Mint and smoke and his perfume._ He throws an arm on Yifan’s chest, his other limb dangles off the couch, it is an awkward position but he does not fancy moving an inch.

“Is this okay? I’ve been wanting to hold you so badly.”

Junmyeon indulges him. After a few jarring moments, Junmyeon decides to ask about something he will surely regret.

“What are we Yifan?”

“Whatever you want us to be Junmyeon.” The embrace tightens. “Whatever you want us to be.”

“Oh.”

They are both drunk and Junmyeon needs to sober up. He detaches from the embrace, stands up and stays still as blood rushes to his head. 

_You’re a divorced man. Your marriage dissolved a long time ago. Wake up._

Junmyeon clears the coffee table, silently mulling over his poor life decisions. Junmyeon prepares coffee and they drink silently, almost awkwardly and Yifan leaves without so much a parting word.

_Stupid, fucking stupid._

//

Two more months pass by before Junmyeon hears from Yifan again.

_Can we meet?_

Junmyeon stares at the text message and reads it over and over again. Yifan’s four months is nearly reaching its end, he has less than a month left and Junmyeon assumes that he intends to say goodbye. Junmyeon reads the digitalized message and deletes it. He does not reply.

The following morning, Yifan’s company, of which he is COO, sends Junmyeon an e-mail. There is an attached file and Junmyeon downloads it. The file is a formal application for transfer and Junmyeon does not get to see the entirety of it for his phone rings and in fifteen minutes he has managed to get himself out of his office and onto the road. He blows off three red lights and he does not even care.

Jongin is five years old and in those five years he has never needed hospital admission. Junmyeon takes great pride in how he takes care of his only son, so his panic is completely understandable after he learns that Jongin fainted, _fainted_ for god’s sake. He runs to the receptionist and his harried appearance must have unnerved the personnel who is manning the ER’s front desk. She quickly provides the information needed. Junmyeon dashes for room 201 in the left wing, like a man running for his own life. When he opens the door to the sterile looking room, his breath hitches and he mentally thanks all the gods he could name off the top of his head.

Jongin looks alright. The child laughs at the phone in his grasp. Yifan sits beside Jongin on the hospital bed. Yifan looks exhausted as usual. The bags under his eyes are as noticeable as his pallor. Junmyeon thinks he needs the hospital stay more than Jongin. When Jongin finally notices his presence, the boy smiles and drops the phone. “Appa!”

He casually approaches. “Are you okay?” Junmyeon prods, checking for nonexistent injuries on his son’s body. “Are you hurt, come on tell me.”

“Appa, I’m fine.” Jongin whines and pushes him away. Junmyeon continues to prod, Jongin’s face squished between his warm palms. “But why did you faint? Did you feel sick? Did someone harm you?”

“He’s fine Junmyeon.” Yifan says and for a moment Junmyeon forgets that Yifan is there. Junmyeon regards him with a curious stare, now that he can actually see Yifan closer, it is apparent. His ex-husband does look sick. A few moments later, a young looking doctor enters the room. He smiles, in good nature, and asks for the patient’s parent in which Junmyeon and Yifan both answer. “It’s me.”

Dr. Jung Taekwoon of General Pediatrics, as what’s embroidered on his white doctor’s coat, looks appropriately confused. “I’m sorry?”

Junmyeon steps closer and reiterates the answer. “I’m his parent, what happened to him?”

“Alright, Mr. Kim, do you prefer to speak outside or...”

“Outside is fine.”

//

“He’s alright.” The doctor calmly says. “Your son is anemic, sir. But the fainting spell is an isolated case. He should follow a stricter diet and I’ll prescribe meds. He’ll be fine. If you want to, we can discharge him in a few hours.”

“Thank you. I think I’ll let him stay in the hospital for one more night.”

“That could be arranged.” The doctor says and as he walks away, Yifan materializes behind Junmyeon.

“What did he say?”

“Jongin’s anemic.” Junmyeon turns and looks at him. “What were you doing in here anyway?”

Yifan sighs as he runs a hand through his unruly hair. His seems paler below the harsh lighting. “The teacher called me. I gave my contact number during the event at his school, listed myself as his parent. I wasn’t aware they called me first, I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine.” Junmyeon is suddenly exhausted. “You’re his parent anyway. I was just worried.”

“Jongin’s a strong kid. He’ll be alright, you raised him well.”

Junmyeon laughs, “Yeah, I guess, I did.”

“Junmyeon can we talk?”

“Can we have some coffee first?”

//

They sit in the hospital’s cafeteria, two cups of good coffee in between them. They are silent, Junmyeon does not even know what to say.

“I wanted to call you.” Yifan thumbs the edge of his cup, “But I thought I should say it in person.”

“Say what?”

“That I miss you.”

Junmyeon scoffs, “We’re not drunk Yifan. I’m pretty sure you don’t miss me.”

“No, I really do.”

“What do you want me to do, Yifan? What’s your intention?”

“If you’d let me, can I do it all over again?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Junmyeon, I love you. I don’t think I ever stopped. Can you give me another chance?”

A quiet befalls upon them. Junmyeon stares at the remnants of his coffee like it is the most captivating thing in the universe. “Yifan you do understand where we came from, right? I don’t want to be treated like a second option. I don’t want to become some sort of trophy because being married to me gave you an ego boost. I want to be good for you soul Yifan. I want you to be good for mine. We couldn’t make it happen the first time.”

Yifan smiles, a little broken smile. “I know. It was a longshot, but at least I tried. I wish you’re always happy from now on, Junmyeon. I truly do.”

Yifan stands up and just as he starts to walk away Junmyeon holds him in place, fingers curling around Yifan’s left wrist.

“But hey, everyone deserves a second chance, right? We deserve a second chance.”

Junmyeon’s heart is at peace.

Before they reenter Jongin’s hospital room. Junmyeon gently pulls Yifan down so that he could slot his lips against the seam of Yifan’s mouth. His kiss is gentle and sweet and maybe forgiving.

“Stay.” Junmyeon says when they part, “Is it too much to ask?”

“I don’t intend to leave.” Yifan answers before he opens the door.

//

They have lunch by Jongin’s bedside. Jongin notices that both his parents cannot stop smiling at each other. The child decides to ask one important question that he could not understand from the whole situation.

“Daddy, appa.”

“Yes, Jongin?”

Jongin grins, “Are you two finally...un-divorcing?”

Yifan finally answers directly this time and Jongin finds this answer so much better than the previous one. “No son, but I’ll make sure that your appa will love me so much that he would agree to marry me... again.”

The smile on Jongin’s face is priceless. “Really?”

“So, you have to get well soon. Because the great outdoors await.”

“Really?!”

Yifan laughs, bright and full of joy.

It is his second chance.

//

“What great outdoors? You have to leave soon and I’m not letting you take Jongin away.”

Yifan looks at Junmyeon with a perfectly confused expression. “You got my transfer application, right?”

“What transfer application...” Junmyeon is perplexed for a second before he is reminded of the e-mail he got that morning. “Oh, that’s your transfer application?”

Yifan steps in and embraces him. “Yeah, so that you can’t get rid of me that easily again.”

Junmyeon smiles contentedly and tightens his hold around Yifan’s torso. “I like that very much.”

* * *

Piano sounds fill the the air as Yifan steps into a considerably cluttered sitting room. He puts his case file down and tosses his car keys on the table by the door. The businessman loosens his tie as he rakes his gaze around the space. Books and toys are strewn everywhere around the spacious room and Yifan also glimpses some papers, obviously his husband’s, on an equally cluttered coffee table. He reminds himself to get the cleaning done tomorrow, first thing in the morning.

The soft piano sounds suddenly become off key and Yifan could only guess that it must be Fur Elise (or a botched up version of it). He rounds the corner and a smile automatically lights his tired face. The piano stool is occupied by two people, his husband and his four year old, Sehun. The latter is obviously the player of the off key Fur Elise.

Yifan watches silently as Junmyeon guides his son’s fingers against contrasting ivory and ebony keys. Sehun whines because he is frustrated he cannot get the piece right and minutes later it turns into full on tantrum. Junmyeon signs in resignation as he watches Sehun jump from the piano stool and pads his merry way into the kitchen.

“You’re quitting today’s piano lesson already?” Yifan whispers as he drapes his arms over Junmyeon’s back and kisses the side of his husband’s neck in greeting.

“I think Sehun takes after Jongin too much, I don’t see him getting interested in music anytime soon.” Junmyeon answers as he stands up to give Yifan a proper kiss. “Anyway, you’re home early?”

“I want to go fetch Jongin at his school and maybe get groceries too, you told me about the fridge and pantry needing a restock.”

Junmyeon gives him a tired smile. “I like the sound of that, wait a sec I’ll change my clothes.”

As Junmyeon leaves the room an overly excited Sehun appears and the child practically throws himself at his father with a cheerful “Daddy!” Yifan smiles, heaving Sehun into his lap with an exaggerated groan. “My, you’re heavy and you gave appa a hard time with the piano today, you mischievous puppy.” Yifan’s fingers tickle his sides and Sehun squeals in delight.

“Daddy s-stop.” Sehun wheezes in laughter, swatting at his father’s hands. “I’ll learn Fur Elise and I’ll learn how to pronounce Shixun correctly too, I promise!”

Yifan replaces the child back down with an indulgent pat to his behind. “Go ahead and change your clothes, we’ll fetch your hyung from school.”

“Can we get ice cream too?”

“Yes, yes we will.”

Junmyeon emerges from the bedroom battling a squealing Sehun who refuses to put on his beanie. “Appa I hate that thing get it away from me!” Sehun screams in protest as Junmyeon struggles and with a final swoop, he manages to put the beanie on his youngest son. Sehun pouts when Junmyeon directs him with a pointed stare. “Wu Sehun behave. It’s cold outside and if you won’t wear that you’ll get sick and you know how awful it is when you’re sick.”

Sehun’s pout intensifies and he turns away from Junmyeon, shooting both arms toward Yifan, who watches in amusement. Yifan smiles smugly as he lifts Sehun into his arms. Junmyeon’s eyebrows rise at the sight.

“What a daddy’s boy.”

“Admit it Junmyeon, he likes me more than you.”

“At least I still have my Jongin.” Junmyeon harrumphs as they leave the house.

//

Yifan parks his SUV three minutes before a wave of students exit the school. He has a hard time locating his oldest’s mop of brown hair in the crowd but when he does, he waves an arm and Jongin notices him immediately. Jongin walks calmly, a confused looking Kyungsoo trails behind him. Yifan admits that he misses the time when Jongin would squeal at the sight of his parents. Times change indeed.

“Hi dad.” The ten year old greets. “Is there anything wrong? Why did you come?”

“Nothing’s wrong kid, I was actually hoping that you’d get Kyungsoo to come to dinner with us.” Yifan turns to his son’s best friend with a small smile. “Is that fine with you Kyungsoo? I’ll call your mom.”

Kyungsoo smiles. “I like that very much, thank you uncle Yifan.”

Kyungsoo and Jongin cram themselves in the backseat of Yifan’s SUV with a boisterous Sehun in the middle. Yifan thinks that he should have driven the minivan instead. He glances at his husband, there is a fond smile on his face.

Junmyeon’s going to leave for a conference with his law firm tomorrow and Yifan has opted to take his work at home. Junmyeon’s going to be away for five days and Yifan assumes control of the house (and his hyperactive four year old completes the package) Junmyeon has been away numerous times before but Yifan is still afraid that everything’s going to be ruined without him. But he is proven wrong always and this time he knows they will be fine. He will get the groceries, cook meals and take Jongin to his dance lessons and Sehun to his monthly dentist appointment. They will be fine.

He looks at the simple silver band around his left ring finger and the knowledge that Junmyeon wears an identical ring around his finger, makes him smile.

“Hey,” Junmyeon calls.

“Hm?”

“I love you.”

Yes, they will be fine.


End file.
